Are You Internally Or Externally Self-Aware?
Or are you still seeking to understand either, or think you are pretty good at both?
“What do you mean internally or externally self-aware?!”
I will explain, but first I will share…
…Growing up, I was definitely not one of the ‘popular girls’. I moved schools several times and each time, I was picked-on, bullied and struggled to build strong female friendships, and I didn’t quite understand why.
Most of the time I just boiled it down to being different due to my blood disorder causing a slight yellowing of my eyes.
However, after moving schools several times and experiencing bullying each time, I found myself getting curious around why people acted the way they did, and why I struggled to build strong friendships.
I didn’t know where or how to find these answers, but my curiosity kept growing as I went through high school and some incidents occurred that I didn’t know how to process.
Since I grew up as an only child, and my only ‘support’ structure were my parents who didn’t really have strong friendships either (whose advice when spoken to about this, was ‘they’re just jealous’, ‘don’t worry about it’ or ‘you don’t need people like that as friends’), I felt as though I didn’t really have anyone to talk to about why I was being bullied by the girls, and how I could make and maintain healthy female friendships.
So instead, I found myself attempting to understand the behaviours of others, by understanding my own thoughts and behaviours.
My teenage logic being that this might give me an insight into the inner workings of other people, and that this might somehow help me.
Unbeknownst to me at the time, my curiosity and this thought-pattern was the beginning of me going down a road of what I now know is called, Introspection.
Introspection is just one part of the self-awareness puzzle, and it falls within the Internal Self-Awareness category. The other category is External Self-Awareness.
Internal Self-Awareness: refers to how clearly you understand your values, beliefs, aspirations, thoughts, feelings, behaviours, strengths, weaknesses etc.
External Self-Awareness: refers to how clearly you understand how you show up towards others, how others view you in relation to themselves, and your impact on others.
You can be high in one, and low in another and vice versa.
Which brings me to the Four Self-Awareness Archetypes — Introspectors, Seekers, the Aware, and Pleasers (Which one are you?):
As an adult, I now understand that my primary self-awareness archetype is that of Introspector, as I was naturally drawn to and became strong in understanding myself internally first.
As you may have picked up by now, my teenage logic of thinking that if I understood myself more, might help me to understand why people behaved the way they did towards me, was a little…flawed.
It never occurred to me as a teenager, that maybe (just, maybe) there were some lessons to be learned around how I was showing up towards others as a reason for how others were behaving towards me (I am an only child after all - I definitely could have used some advice or lessons in the value of relating with my peers, rather than the adults).
Now as an adult, I acknowledge that strengthening my external self-awareness alongside my internal self-awareness, is what will help me to achieve my version of success, faster.
“How?” you may ask. Well…
…Success is not achieved in isolation, and you will usually always need to connect, engage and work with others along the way. Therefore, it is important to strengthen both internal and external self-awareness so that you can understand how to get the best out of yourself, and your engagement with others.
“Ok, this is great and all, but *how* do I strengthen my internal and external self-awareness?”.
I am glad you asked!
The most effective way to improve your internal and external self-awareness is through self-reflection.
Here are a few self-reflection questions to get you started to help you improve your internal self-awareness:
To understand what you may value: Outside of accomodation, utilities and other necessities, what do you spend or do with your money?
To understand what you may enjoy: What activities or situations make you feel joy or like time flies by, and what do they have in common?
To understand what may need to change: What situations make you feel terrible, and what do they have in common?
To understand what may pick you up: What activities or situations make you laugh or feel better after feeling terrible, and what do they have in common?
And here are a few self-reflection questions to get you started to help you improve your external self-awareness:
To understand how you think others may view you: What do you think or hope people feel during or after engaging with you?
To understand how you would like others to view you: What would you like people to think and feel during and after engaging with you?
To understand how you may be showing up towards others: When engaging with others, what do you notice or observe about how they respond and engage with you?
To understand what may need to change: What could be improved in the way you show up towards others?
And finally, — you will get bonus points if you do this — The absolute most effective way to improve your external self-awareness is by asking others for feedback!
So, I would like to encourage you to select 5 people across your various ‘circles’ (e.g. work, friends, extracurricular activities etc.) and ask them something like this:
“Hey, so I am seeking some honest feedback about how I show up towards others. Would you be willing to share with me 5 words you would use to describe me, 1 thing you would not come to me for, and 1 thing that you would come to me for?”
That is it for all the self-awareness boosting questions for the day! But I will leave you with one last little nugget…
Throughout all those questions, did you notice ‘why’ does not make an appearance?
‘Why’ is the most ineffective question to ask yourself or others to gain insight, and it is highly encouraged to remove it from your self-awareness vocabulary.
When asked ‘why’, our subconscious mind will go hunting for an answer that ‘feels’ true, even if it might not be. We then carry this ‘story’ around with us, which may not be helpful and actually hinder us from facing the true answers.
‘What’ questions help us remain objective, uncover new insights and empower us to act on those new insights.
And this is what I hope for you!
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Thank you for reading this fortnight’s newsletter! I appreciate you!
Until next time —
Crystal McKendrick